My First Open Mic Experience

This is going to sound like "the summer essay" that we were assigned in grade school--"How I spent my summer vacation." As Tollbooth Willie would say about me, "You unoriginal bastard!" But anyway, let us begin...

My first experience in comedy was at an open mic in the back of a dingy restaurant. It smelled of a nondescript stale beer mixed in with the smell of a room that hasn't seen sunlight since the day it was built--- like your high school buddy's basement. It was a relatively packed house. Anywhere from 15-20 people all crowded around a small box, set for a stage. (Yeah, we were supposed to believe a 4ft x 3ft x 2ft box was a stage.)

When I walked in, somebody was already on stage, ranting into mic. (I cringed thinking about the number of microorganisms growing on that petri dish of a mic.)

There was no real comedy. Just ranting. No one was laughing. The lack of laughter was sort of disconcerting, since after all, it was a comedy show--the only thing missing were laughs. And yet the performer didn't seem to notice. He was embittered, but not noticeably nervous. I think his confidence grew out of his familiarity with the subject matter--his ex-wife. He spewed vitriol. What baffled me was that his misogynistic rant was received as completely normal, at least to the audience. The crowd was unfazed by his hateful complaint speech. There seemed to be a collective acceptance. I would compare it to the Roman Catholic church--the congregation doesn't understand the entire liturgy, but they bow their heads in agreement anyway--knowing whatever mindless gibberish was being uttered something they needed to hear.

Finally, the host pounced on stage to break up the pin-drop silence. He was overzealous (which I later come to find out most hosts are). Apparently, that's their M.O.--to be over-the-top! They're there to be the vocal thermostat for the crowd; to bring them up when they're down. And to cool them off when they're too hot.

It was then that I decided to grab a seat--somewhere in the back, where I wouldn't be noticed. But I didn't know the host was paying such close attention to anyone but himself and his over-the-top antics. A good host knows the room, knows where every warm body is seated. He knows the pace, knows the energy (feels the energy), reads the crowd. So he did see me come in and asked me a direct question: Was I a comedian?

I hesitated. I has to ask myself the same question: Was I a comedian? That question was followed by another series of paranoid questions: "Why would he ask me that? Did I look like a comedian? Did I have a sign on my back? How did he know? Was he psychic?" Enough time has passed for him to grow a disturbing grimace on his face.

"Uh, no. I'm just here to watch."
"Oh, okay. Then that'll be 5 dollars."
" 5 dollars?"
" 5 dollars to watch. 7 to perform."

Ugh, what steep prices for basic entertainment, nowadays. I had to pay to stay. So I begrudgingly pulled out 7 hard earned dollars--dollars I wasn't ready to part with. After all, if I was going to stay and continue my observations, I might as well get on stage as a perk.

The host pulled out a clipboard with some paper, with a long list of names.

"Okay what's your name?" he expectantly asked. Again my paranoia kicked back in. "My name?" I thought. "Why does he need my name?"

"Lu... uh... Lu... cy... Lucy," as if first learning to pronounce my name.

"Lucy? That's it?" His pushy tone was beginning to annoy me. "What's your last name?"

"Dee. Lucy Dee."
"D? Like the letter "D"?"
"Like D...E...E..."
"Okay," as he scribbled my name in the last slot.
"Am I last?"
"Yeah, I can put you up earlier, if you want."
"No-no." I quickly back-peddled. "Last is fine."

Perfect. Everyone will leave the restaurant by the time I go up on stage. Little did I know about comedy etiquette, and that most, if not all, comedians will stay right up until the last comedian performs. Comedians know that we thrive off of having an audience. So unfortunately, to my chagrin, I had my audience, a comedian audience, of about 5 people--still an intimidating number people to a first-timer.


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M Comedy Buddy cancelled, but new one to join the pack!

So M Buddy cancelled for some unforeseen work issue. Understandable. I'm a forgiving person. We made a DO-or-DIE pact to go onstage on May 8th together. So over this weekend I'm going to prepare a kick-ass set. The irony lies in the idea that I won't know if it's a kick-ass set until I leave the stage. But clearly I'm willing to chance it, weigh the consequences, and follow Nike's way outdated instruction and "JUST DO IT!"

I found another craigslist ad of a buddy who also wants to get started in the comedy biz. This new buddy (we'll call "N Buddy") eventually called me. We spoke over the phone for a bit. (I think people are always surprise to speak to me on the phone, because I'm never what they expect me to be. I'm a bubbly person by nature. I'm giddy and cheerful, but not cheerleader cheerful. Pleasant. It's not nerve-wracking and you don't have to make up things to say with me. I'm good like that.)

Anyway, N Buddy was happy to make my acquaintance and we're going to meet up with my already scheduled meeting with M Buddy. All of us are going to do our homework and hollow out some kind of set and format of jokes. I'm fairly confident about my jokes and writing. It's the delivery that worries me most. I'm still stuck between that rock and a hard place where I don't know HOW TO execute the jokes. Intonation. Persona. Who am I onstage? Eventually, I'll figure this out. But I fear it will take longer than I expect.

~Lucy

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